Correspondence

Hey there M-, I am down in Santa Fe for a friend's 40th b-day. It is good to see folks. Two of my friends are breaking up. It is hard to watch. The whole group of friends loves them both. They love each other and I guess that is the hardest part. Anyway I guess I am also contemplative today. I was talking to a friend last night about how well my life is finally going (knock wood) and how much the break through of deciding to transition was a part of that. The previous bunch of decades I tried to get my life together but without dealing with the proverbial elephant in the room. I have always said the only thing I want to be when I grow up (or at least grow older) is a better person to myself, others and the world at large - and the only thing I want on my tombstone is gold stars for effort (like the kind they handed out in kindergarten). Becoming that better person has not been easy. This will sound kinda dumb-ass but I was thinking about the wedding (I proposed to Liz.) and all the traditions and rituals and what they mean and what is cultural dirty bath water so to speak and what I need for it to seem 'like a real wedding' or whatever. I was thinking about the whole getting walked down the aisle thing. I don't like the idea of dad passing girl to husband, but I do like the idea of family helping get you there - of course my dad would have no part of my wedding (him not approving of me and all) but I realized he wasn't who got me here - it was me, and it was my friends, who are like family. They helped me become a more decent person (some friends have helped me change my whole world.) So then I was thinking well if all my friends walked me down the aisle it would be a logistical nightmare. So, I decided to contemplate why my friends helped me and why I was able to work through shit even when it was hard and I realized it was the same core belief I have that makes me a political activist willing to walk across the country. I believe in change and that the future can be better. I realized I have to have Emma, my 3 1/2 yr old niece, walk me down the aisle because it is the future people and the future world that motivates me to be the best person I can. So, friend, if you made it through this missive just know there are good reasons to get through whatever you are getting through and there are folks who care about you and want the best for you and from you. It may be a fuck of a path but it is yours - so decorate it with the beauty that is you. - love to you - Kieran