Me now :
I think I pass 99% of the time now. Passing is an odd thing. On so many levels it feels so right. I mean, I feel I am male so why shouldn't everyone else see me that way.
Then there is this one level I cannot seem to escape... and it is sort of political and sort of personal. It goes like this in my head.....
As much as I may wish I had been born male, I wasn't. I am transgender. To pass as male is to somehow discount my trans identity. (political) But I don't want to be trans, I feel male....can't I just be a normal guy? (emotional)
As I argue this in my head, I am also faced with real world situations where I find myself totally accepted as male, yet feel an urge to say, 'I am trans.' And situations where I'd rather just be accepted as male and yet am known as trans.
Both these things came up at a library conference I attended last week.
First of all, it is my work world.. professional colleagues, future employers, who knows... However, some have known me a long time (long enough to have known me pre-transition) Others I am meeting for the first time.
I tend to be quite an open person. I also have a mouth that tends to speak before my brain has fully reviewed the statements I am making. Oddly enough this lead to a few instances of me outing myself as trans. I could have avoided them - danced around the moment of the conversation, but I felt like I would have been cheating to not speak about who/how I am. This inevitably swirled around in my head hours later... Other people don't go around talking about their identity, why do I? Why do I out myself and then regret it? Other people will certainly not know if it is cool to talk about or not if I can't even make up my own mind.
I think the answer for me is me claiming my trans identity.... and working for a world where it doesn't matter to anyone, then I can sit back and be seen purely as the man I am.
