Me now :
I think I pass 99% of the time now. Passing is an odd thing. On so many levels it feels so right. I mean, I feel I am male so why shouldn't everyone else see me that way.
Then there is this one level I cannot seem to escape... and it is sort of political and sort of personal. It goes like this in my head.....
As much as I may wish I had been born male, I wasn't. I am transgender. To pass as male is to somehow discount my trans identity. (political) But I don't want to be trans, I feel male....can't I just be a normal guy? (emotional)
As I argue this in my head, I am also faced with real world situations where I find myself totally accepted as male, yet feel an urge to say, 'I am trans.' And situations where I'd rather just be accepted as male and yet am known as trans.
Both these things came up at a library conference I attended last week.
First of all, it is my work world.. professional colleagues, future employers, who knows... However, some have known me a long time (long enough to have known me pre-transition) Others I am meeting for the first time.
I tend to be quite an open person. I also have a mouth that tends to speak before my brain has fully reviewed the statements I am making. Oddly enough this lead to a few instances of me outing myself as trans. I could have avoided them - danced around the moment of the conversation, but I felt like I would have been cheating to not speak about who/how I am. This inevitably swirled around in my head hours later... Other people don't go around talking about their identity, why do I? Why do I out myself and then regret it? Other people will certainly not know if it is cool to talk about or not if I can't even make up my own mind.
I think the answer for me is me claiming my trans identity.... and working for a world where it doesn't matter to anyone, then I can sit back and be seen purely as the man I am.
2 comments:
As one of those people who have only known you as 'male' to me that is what you are. It just feels right to me that you are a man, not knowing you before. I have met many men & women where I have thought "wow, they seem so much more like a woman/man".
I think for me, there are so many things that are not related to gender yet we see them that way.
I do find it humorous that folks who meet you now and find out you are trans almost don't believe you. You are so comfortable to be with because you are so comfortable with who you are. I cannot imagine what it is like for you after all of this time--feeling like you are 'pulling one over' on folks. Thing is, I instantly felt comfortable with you and I think that would be the case no matter what. It is the core of who you are. A really genuine human being.
Kieran~~
Seems I'm about as good at responding to other people's blogs in a timely fashion as I am about keeping up my own! However, I still wanna respond to this because you bring up some issues that are important to me as well. On the gender front, there is my own bi-gendered ways that tend to "not matter much" to other people. Do I mention it? Do I let people go on thinking I'm just a girl in the world? Sometimes when I do mention it, the only result is an awkward pause (I usually interpret to mean "I have no idea what bi-gendered means, so I'm just going to ignore it.") so it really doesn't seem worth it. But to not do so further discounts my already back-seated Ryan side, which makes me cranky sometimes.
And then there's the autism... this is the one that I think relates more directly to what you're talking about. People come to the table with so many assumptions about what being autistic means, and when I tell them, I generally get one of two reactions: 1. pity. I hate pity. This is not a disability! It makes me a rock star! 2. Amazement. They are astounded that I am as "high functioning" as I am (think "passing for normal"), sometimes to the point of not really believing me. But like you, I'm torn. I want the autism not to matter to my own life or to the world, but at the same time, I want to show people that autism isn't the end of the road for a life. I am at the crossroads of personal life and life of an advocate. Balancing the two is hard.
And someday in the future, I might have to deal with the life of a former fat person... I'm sure the dynamics will be the same.
I don't know that I have any answers for you here. I generally just try to go with my intuition and speak from my heart, and I think you should do the same because though I first contacted you because you are trans, it is your heart that has made you more than just a potential job networking source for my wife. It is your heart that has made you a really good friend. I so dearly hope we get to meet in person some day!
Peace and Light,
~~Ellie Ryan
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