It is not a secret

Had a very interesting staff meeting the other day – right before I left for a library conference in Greeley. The interim director kinda got on a roll and told me I should choose a more common male name because Kieran was too close to my old name and not manly enough. It was confusing people she decided. The children's librarian agreed and they decided they would start calling me Kent. There had also been an issue with a patron who got a bit confused at the change from 'she' to 'he' in reference with me, and while the circ staff dealt with him he got rather loud and I guess in the interim director's mind this was somehow all my fault. She decided I should tell more patrons 'the truth' so the rest of the staff wouldn't have to. I left for the conference 20 minutes later. I didn't speak out at the staff meeting, deciding, rather, to think about what they said and see if I could figure what the real problem was. Thought about it a lot. It was nice to be at the conference where everyone uses my new name and says 'he' without much error. I decided that what was really going on was a combination of the interim director being uncomfortable a bit and not wanted to 'explain' to other folks and it being hard to remember my new name. All of which I understand. But renaming me – not ok! I also didn't feel real comfortable being told to tell people. I got a bit worked up about the whole thing honestly. But I went to a workshop on communication and I talked it out with my old (3 bosses ago) boss and felt better and prepared to speak with the staff. I did decide that the gossip in my small town was apparently not as wide spread as I had though. I obviously do need to sit down with more folks an explain the whole thing. The interim director wanted me to tell the knitter's group that meets in the library which I did try to picture in my head – like a group announcement “You are probably wondering why I have brought you all together today...”. Not my style! So I figured out one lady in the group (who has a big mouth and is very nice) and I will tell her. She hopefully can spread the word. It is like the ONE time I was hoping gossip would work in my favor, but no. I mean it isn't and can't be by the nature of it all be a secret and I do understand it is my responsibility to speak up.... it's just sort of awkward – especially at work – especially since the last three directors have told me NOT to tell the Board of Trustees. I think I am going to tell Nancy (the Board member everyone seems to kowtow to) I am pretty sure she has heard it through the grapevine and I think I need to tell her directly as a matter of respect. I think people get one of those “well until I hear it from him, it isn't true” sort of attitudes. In all my mental preparation for telling everyone, I realized I feel more comfortable saying “I was a 'girl' and now I am a 'boy'”, rather than 'woman' and 'man'. Perhaps it is something about the phrase 'I am a man'... (yet another thing for me to think about I guess) So when I got back from the conference I spoke with the interim director and it went well. She even said that she had felt like she had been bullying me. I also told the cover ladies. They were great. They said, “Well you aren't the first and you won't be the last.” I thought that was a good response. The knitter lady didn't come to the last knitter's group so I have another weeks reprieve. I think I will sit through the communications workshop again...maybe I will catch on. I think part of it has to do less with speaking up (which is generally not a problem in my world), but with doing so in a manner that lets the other person feel comfortable and not threatened. I am trying to be educational... may or may not be the right tactic.

Personal vs speaking up

There are a lot of volunteers at the library. Mostly they are older; mostly they don't stay more than a few months. There are exceptions. Two ladies - we call them the Cover Girls - faithfully come in once a week and cover all the books. They have been volunteering for two years. They started as a commitment for Lent. Yeah Lent. One is the mother, and the other her daughter. The mother is in her 70's, the daughter in her 50's. They refer to me as she, and I hadn't said anything. So yesterday when the new elderly couple wanted to volunteer and cover books came in to learn how from the Cover Girls - it felt like a train wreck. The elderly couple read me as male, the Cover Girls kept saying she and correcting them. The older man was visibly confused, I think he thought they were all referring to different people. The part I don't understand is how I did nothing. Seriously. I just sat there ignoring it all. My face felt flushed and I don't think I could have spoken. After they left, the staff and I were sort of joking about it. The assistant director said to me that I needed to deal with it. Buck up and just tell the Cover Girls. Then we joked about how it might give the mother a stroke or heart attack. Then we joked about how religious they are. I have never felt so much like a damn chicken shit. I have been thinking about it all night. I mean I am a fairly open person, I am fairly outgoing. I have no fucking idea why I find this so intensely personal. I mean, hell, I am blogging about it...on the world wide web for heaven sakes. I feel fine answering questions about my transition most of the time. It's the walking up to basic strangers and slight acquaintances and starting the conversation that just freaks my shit. Correcting peoples pronoun usage or saying something like, "um.. so yeah, I used to be female, but I am not any more." is all it would really take. Yet I find myself sitting there, choked up and beet red. I have never felt so lame in the personal accountability department. I thought at first it was fear of being fired or something, but I really don't think that would happen anymore. It's just fear. I find that unacceptable. So I guess I just gotta pony up. No one else will respect the pronouns if I can't. So next week I will possibly shock an old lady. I'll live...hope she does.