Reality check

So just as I become utterly convinced in my head that the testosterone is having no affect, two patrons in a row call me sir and young man.

swing sets and smiling faces

My land mates are back! I pulled up and Little E came running at me yelling Uncle Kieran! It was fantastic. Of course she wanted me to push her on the swing before I even had a chance to set down my bags. She told me she missed me when I was gone and I told her she was the one who had been gone. She looked at me all puzzled and said, 'No, I am here." we had a confusing existential moment and agreed we were both here now. Dang I love two year old thinking!

Yup indeed

I feel so much better after a shot of testosterone. More like me. I think many people take who they are for granted. I always knew something wasn't right. I think I am finding right. It is so fucking cool!

On my own

Woke up excited. I get another shot of testosterone today. I give myself a shot of testosterone today. I go up to the main house. L & D & E are all dressed and I am thinking thats weird because it is pretty early. Ah they are taking Jethro the dog to the vet. Early appointment. He isn't well. They get in the car and go. It is 7:30 in the morning and I am alone. I wasn't prepared to be alone. Silly isn't it? I just thought the first time I go to stick a needle in my leg someone would be around – I live with a group of people for heaven sakes...why would I be alone in the early morning. I stop myself and realize it is fear in my head. I make coffee. I grab the Nintendo DS and play brain age. I realize I am stalling. I think of options. I could go to the Dr.'s office. The nurse would glad give me a shot or watch me do the shot. No, I have got to learn this. I could wait. Eventually people will be here. I could go somewhere else... I have friends, hell, I have friends who know how to give shots. No, I say to myself, I am missing the point. Why do I need other people? I am just afraid, and fear is a dumb thing, irrational. I go get the medicine, needle and alcohol pads. I drop my pants and look at my thigh. I know exactly what to do. I consider all the things that could go wrong.. really there isn't much. Hitting a vein would be the only thing, or not doing the prep on the needle right, or --- whoa there, Kieran, STOP WITH THE FEAR. Right. I tear up and decided I will not cry. I will not let fear stop me from doing what I want. Okay. I push the needle in. Actually that part isn't so bad. It is the pushing the medicine out of the syringe that bugs me. It is a thick substance and requires hard pushing of the thumb down on the plunger. The thought crosses my mind that intravenous drug users must be brave...or desperate. And people with Diabetes who use insulin, dang brave. I keep shoving on the plunger. Finished. Clean up. Realize I just gave myself a shot and get nauseous. Sit back down and realize I am okay. Fear is a tricky thing, easier to handle with friends, but conquered often alone. It is not quite 8:30.. I should eat breakfast and go to work. I am on my own and I am ok. Crap, I am crying....maybe I'll cook an egg...

What planet am I on?

So I am OFFICIALLY having one of those days. I am not even sure where to start. The middle - I'll start in the middle (the beginning is overrated). So G (co-worker) says that the board member said, "I don't even really think we need a director, N (other board member) does all the work" I pound my head on the nearest book. I ask if the board member is still here in the building and head off like Don Quixote. Yeah, I am a dumb shit. This is not a new thing. This is why I walked from LA to NY and from NY to the Nevada Nuclear test site; an undying optimism that if I just explain the obvious to people, they will change their thinking. Right. (If it is any consolation to people reading this I am beginning to become a jaded optimist) So I say to the board member, "What exactly did you say to G (my co worker)? Because I want to hear it directly." She repeats it verbatim. I say, "I want a director, granted I want one who does her job, and, by the way, what is it that the board does, I mean you all canceled the long term planning committee, so obviously you don't have any vision for the library." - yeah - god dang I am a dumb shit. "How not to win friends and influence people" by Kieran. Oh well, I said it and, honestly, I meant it...the delivery might have been a bit rough. So now in the story where I have the board member cornered - up comes the current (but leaving) director, who starts yelling at the board member what a lousy job the board does and how N (the other board member) is a piece. Ever so glad I am standing there - not! The 'leaving' director stomps off and I thank the board member for her time (well what the fuck else was I suppose to say?!) See - it all started this morning when the lady at the post office asked if I had a cold because my voice sounded deeper - and I though - sure WTF I will come out as transgender. Heh, not a bad idea per se, but not a brilliant plan on my part. She says but I thought you were a boy lesbian. "A what?", I say . "You know with gay people - there is a girl one and a boy one in each pair." (Some days it doesn't pay to get up in the morning.) So I explain how that isn't necessarily how gay and lesbian people see it and how sexual identity and gender identity are different. She just stares at me with that 'you-are-speaking-a-foreign-language' look. I talk for a few minutes - then she says, 'well I just thought you had a cold' I leave. I get to work and there is a regular patron who wants to talk to me about the directorship. It was a 'why don't you try for it?' moment and I explained how the board asked for someone with a master's degree and how I don't have one and how I didn't think it would be a good idea right now anyway. We start to talking and he says he heard I an taking testosterone to change my gender and he says, "I wish you would have talked to me first. Being male isn't a good thing right now. Especially a white man. It is like reverse discrimination." "What? white men are discriminated against?" I say. Yes he says. OH FOR GOD FUCKING SAKES! You have GOT to be kidding me. I don't know what to say. Really, of all the crap that could be said about FTM, really?! The part I didn't think about until I walked away was how the hell did he know I was transitioning? guess it doesn't matter. Maybe it is the full moon pulling the tide of everyone's brains. I need a beer.

Go & Do

I was playing my guitar tonight and singing – pondering the change in my voice and the eventual changes of my body. In one sense, it feels like a rightness, like I am finally on the right track and in another sense there is a fear of the unknown. I mean, ok, I am not much of a singer, but it is something I do a lot of and is a definite enjoyment to me. And I am sure I will adjust, but – wow – I don't know where to sing right now. My voice slides around looking from melody to harmony and it doesn't always go where I think it is going to go. Yeah and then there is the zits... not too bad yet, especially in comparison to the pox! Meanwhile at the library, we are finishing up inventory, listening in on dysfunctional board meetings and trying to find out who might be the next boss. Koha is doing well though I think J is fed up with all the alterations. I am antsy. Weather it be a product of testosterone, or the time of the year or what have you I am not sure – I just want to GO and DO – the where and the what are an unknown. I feel like the illustration in the book 'go dog go' before they end up at the dog party where they are all driving in a line – focused – but with no goal in sight.

We tried

So there was a contest... we lost but.... We had fun writing and singing and filming it though. I thought we did ok. J wants to do an open mic. I think that could be fun. We need more original songs.

2nd shot

Wow – So I meant to be blogging all the testosterone related events in my world after the first injection but I got busy and I got chicken pox. I am, I guess, one of the few people who reacts oddly to the chicken pox vaccination. Because it is a live virus vaccine, (unlike most vaccines), it is possible to actually get a mild case of pox. Glad it was a mild case! That pox stuff is for the birds! So other than red itchy spots all over my body I don't know that there are any visible changes from the testosterone happening much. I feel great (and horny - good grief, it is almost ridicules how horny I am ! ). L thinks my face is changing, but I think it was a result of my hair cut. I had my second shot (1^st full dose) on Thursday. I have had a definite increase in energy and appetite. The energy is great, but with the appetite, I am a bit worried about gaining weight. Guess it is time to join a gym or some such thing. I think my voice might be changing too.

Work is doing ok. The boss is leaving and a new boss is being hired - so there are some worries (it is not like our board would ever let us have a say in the process or anything...so all we can really do is wait). I hope whoever they hire is at least somewhat computer competent.