On my own

Woke up excited. I get another shot of testosterone today. I give myself a shot of testosterone today. I go up to the main house. L & D & E are all dressed and I am thinking thats weird because it is pretty early. Ah they are taking Jethro the dog to the vet. Early appointment. He isn't well. They get in the car and go. It is 7:30 in the morning and I am alone. I wasn't prepared to be alone. Silly isn't it? I just thought the first time I go to stick a needle in my leg someone would be around – I live with a group of people for heaven sakes...why would I be alone in the early morning. I stop myself and realize it is fear in my head. I make coffee. I grab the Nintendo DS and play brain age. I realize I am stalling. I think of options. I could go to the Dr.'s office. The nurse would glad give me a shot or watch me do the shot. No, I have got to learn this. I could wait. Eventually people will be here. I could go somewhere else... I have friends, hell, I have friends who know how to give shots. No, I say to myself, I am missing the point. Why do I need other people? I am just afraid, and fear is a dumb thing, irrational. I go get the medicine, needle and alcohol pads. I drop my pants and look at my thigh. I know exactly what to do. I consider all the things that could go wrong.. really there isn't much. Hitting a vein would be the only thing, or not doing the prep on the needle right, or --- whoa there, Kieran, STOP WITH THE FEAR. Right. I tear up and decided I will not cry. I will not let fear stop me from doing what I want. Okay. I push the needle in. Actually that part isn't so bad. It is the pushing the medicine out of the syringe that bugs me. It is a thick substance and requires hard pushing of the thumb down on the plunger. The thought crosses my mind that intravenous drug users must be brave...or desperate. And people with Diabetes who use insulin, dang brave. I keep shoving on the plunger. Finished. Clean up. Realize I just gave myself a shot and get nauseous. Sit back down and realize I am okay. Fear is a tricky thing, easier to handle with friends, but conquered often alone. It is not quite 8:30.. I should eat breakfast and go to work. I am on my own and I am ok. Crap, I am crying....maybe I'll cook an egg...