Pictures

Before After Somewhere in between.... Yeah, so the mustache is looking less 'junior high', but still I am a hairless sort of person, so it isn't really full. Speaking of hair...more and more of it grows in different places. The hair on my belly is now about as hairy as my legs used to be - and the legs are hairier. I don't think I look all that different... but I always just see me.

body chemistry

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I had a farm in Africa.... ok no. (but two good movie lines!) I used to be a vegetarian; am not any more. Haven't been for awhile. Don't normally eat a lot of meat....until lately. I swear if it wasn't a cow 20 minutes ago, I probably am not interested. I have never felt this sort of craving for beef. I figure I am needing protein. I know they (drs) warned me that I could gain weight on testosterone, but I don't think I have.... my fat did migrate around from my hips to my belly (weird) but I went down a pants size. I don't know. Funny thing is that I feel hungry more often and more vehemently, in that gnaw off your arm or feel week sort of way. I never used to eat breakfast (as long as I had coffee) now if I skip breakfast I am famished by 10 am. Of course this may or may not be related to the T. L & D have commented on how my face has changed. I have been taking a photo of my face every month. It is kinda interesting. Hmmm... I should blog those pics... ok I will....tomorrow...must eat lunch now.

Grilled

Yesterday was a conversation filled day. Lot of people stopped by to chat. Most wanting to have the conversation in which they tell me all about transgender people and expect me to lay my life down for examination and judgment. Mostly that's ok with me. I mean I get it. It is a different sort of thing, and outside of talk shows there isn't much of a possibility to hear/see someone like me in person. Human nature. Curiosity. I get it. And I also understand that the folks (patrons) who see me everyday at the library are wondering what is up, and they work up the courage to ask. Some ask my co-workers, some ask me. But I must admit it is challenging my fear level. Which was why, when I read my horoscope (which I generally don't do) I was busted up laughing. "You might feel as if you're getting hit with a double whammy today as your key planet Venus leads you into a very intense interaction with someone who makes you anxious. Facing your fears, though, can be a good way to grow beyond the acceptance of what feels safe. Remember, even if the going is tough now, the transformations ahead can bring you closer to your long-term goals. " So - there was a blog post a few months ago that I didn't post. It felt too.... too... I don't know. Well here it is and then I will follow up on it, and maybe that will make me feel better about it. "I have been really stressing this last week, (ok two and a half weeks). Truth is I have been afraid. Fear fucking SUCKS! But there it was, I was afraid. I know there are laws against being fired for being trans. I also know I wouldn't wanna work where they wished they could fire me, but couldn't because of some law. I know my coworkers are cool enough with it all (some of them even try using the new name and pronoun), but I know that some of the board are fairly religious and one of them is definitely homophobic... I was thinking I would write them a letter. I spent a few days writing, rewording and pretty much deciding in my mind that I would be fired....fired from the best job I have ever had. Hell I even got pretty dang fucked up one night and did the horrible depressed drunk routine on some good friends in Pueblo. I tried thinking up positive spins...I could go back to college and get that MLS! I was trying to play it cool but I was losing my shit honestly. Then I had a conversation with my old boss and friend and she reminded me that the new boss might have my back and that what I am doing is a really big thing and it is okay to ask for help, advise and assistance. Right...I hate when I forget that. I can easily fall in to the feeling that I have to do it all myself and that I am some sort of loser if I need help. So I spoke with the New Boss. She has got ideas, strategies even. I am still a bit worried..but not too bad. Of course part of it was work and part of it is the whole small rural town angle. Quite a few people have been making comments to me about my voice and lame little mustache. Not all of them have been friendly. I am catching strange looks. I also have that whole interior mind babble going on." Yeah - fear. So since then, I relaxed some. I haven't had much luck talking to the folks on the board, but we all agree I do my job well. The new boss and the old boss both advised me not to write a letter to the board. I still am not sure if that was good or bad, but it is ok. The library part of my life is ok... But there is one guy who comes in a lot. He has made it clear that he hates gay people, people of color, etc. I keep it professional. He and his friend have asked my co-workers if I am really a guy. He is the fellow I see in my head - when I am afraid - wielding a baseball bat. So when the ever so curious woman was asking me 957 questions and i was talking to her out front of the library and that guy and his friend showed up - well yeah I was afraid. I get two things in my head simultaneously - 1)It is in my head, not real & 2) Shit like what I fear does happen. I question myself... a lot.. what is watching my back and what is unreasonable fear. How do I know? I am not normally a scared person. Really had no trouble being a dyke around town. Why am I letting myself be afraid now? It is the interior mind babble. And I will get over it. Sometime stuff is just hard and scary. Today I go to lunch with a librarian friend from another library who is VERY VERY christian and tell her I am trans. Should be fun.

Walking

I was on two cross-country walks. One in 1990 & one in 1992. I get parts of them confused with each other sometimes. They were different. Organized differently, going different directions, different reasons, different (for the most part) people. Yet oddly similar. Sometimes they blend in my head. The first walk was the Global Walk for a Livable World. I was on the first phase – Los Angles to New York. The walk went around the world to Japan. The simple part to describe is the logistics. 150 people. 15-20 miles a day. 9 months. There was a kitchen trailer, a potty bus (150 people cannot shit in the woods, nor all use the toilet at a kwik mart), a gear bus (yes backpacks, tents and sleeping bags were carried for us), a small refrigerator truck, an office, water trailers... infrastructure. The harder part to describe is the effect it had... on me and others. I was young, full of myself, eager and righteously angry. I wanted to change the world. The world changed...few people noticed. My world at least. Change. When I think back on it, there are a few overall concepts that stand out for me. Physicality is a large one. There was no chair to sit in, no couch or recliner, no table, no TV, no night stand, no bed. A tent, a sleeping bag, the entertainment of your fellow travelers and a lot of outdoors. I was so in touch with the weather and the moon and the climate and seasons - without even thinking about it. Just living so... outdoors. Strange as it may sound, there seemed more hours in the day. Enough to do your job (walk), eat and take care of chores, have some alone time, some hang out time, and still there was evening entertainment and a good nights sleep. I miss the time to just BE now a days, like there is always more to do and less time to get it done. People, and interacting with them, were a large part of the walk. Singing with people is one of my fondest memories of the walk. 15-20 people singing together, a five part harmony in a bathroom in a town I don't remember the name of (or was that the second walk), two women singing a song without words, a flute, guitars and heartfelt lyrics, a bar and a band and a reason not to die. I think I realized the beauty of music and that it was open to all who dare try it on that walk. Wanting that feeling back is why I started to play guitar years later. Intensity. All the time you didn't spend watching tv or whatever, was spent with people which, well, its like time dilated. Intensified. A day 'walk time' was like a week in the real world. I learned to be brave on that walk. In the sense that I learned to try things I had never done before without hesitation. I remember getting in to drive the refrigerator truck for the first time. Reading the faded sticker on the back of the visor on how to double clutch when using the split shift rear axle button and just doing it.... maybe I didn't learn to be brave I learned to be brash. I learned to assume I could do and succeed rather than to assume I was a fuck up.