Grilled

Yesterday was a conversation filled day. Lot of people stopped by to chat. Most wanting to have the conversation in which they tell me all about transgender people and expect me to lay my life down for examination and judgment. Mostly that's ok with me. I mean I get it. It is a different sort of thing, and outside of talk shows there isn't much of a possibility to hear/see someone like me in person. Human nature. Curiosity. I get it. And I also understand that the folks (patrons) who see me everyday at the library are wondering what is up, and they work up the courage to ask. Some ask my co-workers, some ask me. But I must admit it is challenging my fear level. Which was why, when I read my horoscope (which I generally don't do) I was busted up laughing. "You might feel as if you're getting hit with a double whammy today as your key planet Venus leads you into a very intense interaction with someone who makes you anxious. Facing your fears, though, can be a good way to grow beyond the acceptance of what feels safe. Remember, even if the going is tough now, the transformations ahead can bring you closer to your long-term goals. " So - there was a blog post a few months ago that I didn't post. It felt too.... too... I don't know. Well here it is and then I will follow up on it, and maybe that will make me feel better about it. "I have been really stressing this last week, (ok two and a half weeks). Truth is I have been afraid. Fear fucking SUCKS! But there it was, I was afraid. I know there are laws against being fired for being trans. I also know I wouldn't wanna work where they wished they could fire me, but couldn't because of some law. I know my coworkers are cool enough with it all (some of them even try using the new name and pronoun), but I know that some of the board are fairly religious and one of them is definitely homophobic... I was thinking I would write them a letter. I spent a few days writing, rewording and pretty much deciding in my mind that I would be fired....fired from the best job I have ever had. Hell I even got pretty dang fucked up one night and did the horrible depressed drunk routine on some good friends in Pueblo. I tried thinking up positive spins...I could go back to college and get that MLS! I was trying to play it cool but I was losing my shit honestly. Then I had a conversation with my old boss and friend and she reminded me that the new boss might have my back and that what I am doing is a really big thing and it is okay to ask for help, advise and assistance. Right...I hate when I forget that. I can easily fall in to the feeling that I have to do it all myself and that I am some sort of loser if I need help. So I spoke with the New Boss. She has got ideas, strategies even. I am still a bit worried..but not too bad. Of course part of it was work and part of it is the whole small rural town angle. Quite a few people have been making comments to me about my voice and lame little mustache. Not all of them have been friendly. I am catching strange looks. I also have that whole interior mind babble going on." Yeah - fear. So since then, I relaxed some. I haven't had much luck talking to the folks on the board, but we all agree I do my job well. The new boss and the old boss both advised me not to write a letter to the board. I still am not sure if that was good or bad, but it is ok. The library part of my life is ok... But there is one guy who comes in a lot. He has made it clear that he hates gay people, people of color, etc. I keep it professional. He and his friend have asked my co-workers if I am really a guy. He is the fellow I see in my head - when I am afraid - wielding a baseball bat. So when the ever so curious woman was asking me 957 questions and i was talking to her out front of the library and that guy and his friend showed up - well yeah I was afraid. I get two things in my head simultaneously - 1)It is in my head, not real & 2) Shit like what I fear does happen. I question myself... a lot.. what is watching my back and what is unreasonable fear. How do I know? I am not normally a scared person. Really had no trouble being a dyke around town. Why am I letting myself be afraid now? It is the interior mind babble. And I will get over it. Sometime stuff is just hard and scary. Today I go to lunch with a librarian friend from another library who is VERY VERY christian and tell her I am trans. Should be fun.