hitting the big time!

I just got an email acceptance to present at the national small and rural libraries conference in Sacramento California about gaming in libraries!!!!!!!!!! It isn't until September - I am already nervous!

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I survived!!!

I did two presentations today (back to back in different rooms on different subjects!) The open source presentation was a multiple presenter tag team kinda thing. I think I did well on my part. The time aspect was a bit muddled. I wasn't sure how much time I had and didn't know how deep I could go. It worked out though. We left enough time for question and answers and folks had quite a few. That really helps me gauge where my presentation should be aimed! The gaming presentation was fun! I heard two libraries decide to start gaming - I love when what I am presenting is implemented!! The feedback questionnaires for my gaming presentation were all fabulous (kinda an ego boost!) I had gotten a bit nervous before it started, but I guess that translated into a high energy presentation. well back to the conference... (more later)

Vacation is over

Back to work again. Good to be back, but it was great to be gone. There is a comfortableness in being around old friends, I don't need to explain myself. I did miss the routine of my life...humm, kinda sad isn't it? So I was home for just about 24 hours, and then it was off to the CLiC conference in Grand Junction. I am presenting gaming and open source. It is fun to be hanging out with J and Judy. Presenting makes me a little nervous, but not too bad. Parts of it can be fun. I think I am good at talking randomly to people. And as long as I am presenting on something I am passionate about I can generally keep the audience entertained and following along (I think). The part that make it hard or at least a bit nerve wracking is the feeling that I am doing "The Karen Show!" (unfortunately my name change hasn't taken affect in my professional life - I need to work in that.) I have to be 'ON' I have to be funny and social and pleasant, even if I need a break. I have to be professional - or some variation therein. Strangely enough I feel more and more desperate to start T, to pass a bit more, I guess because I am so 'on display' I want to be seen as I really am or something.

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Questions, assumptions and blank paper

The doctor said I has to see a therapist because if I wanted to transition because of a past trauma that was bad, but if I really felt 'that way' then it was ok. I have been thinking about that sentence for weeks now. It totally reminds me of this guy Brad and a conversation I had with him years and years ago about being adopted. Both he and I were adopted, and he had found this sheet of paper stating ten personality traits adopted people have. Being funny was one of them, funny, outgoing, insecure, sexually aggressive, trust issues, ... honestly I don't remember all ten, but they were all along those lines. They gave him comfort, a sense that it was ok to be who he was somehow. They pissed me off. The one about being funny just really pissed me off. I just kept thinking 'no, I am funny because I am funny, not because I was adopted.' I mean, shit, I have met some very not humorous adopted people. I just hate those generalizations. Plus it removes some of who I am and gives it to a situation, a situation that wasn't really my choices or decisions. Then again there is that line from that poem "Stick upon stick has weathered me drift wood. I am as much weathered as I am wood." I can relate to that, I mean sure experiences change a person for better or worse. Wouldn't be much fun if we didn't learn and grow. So am I who I am, am I a collection of experiences on a blank paper, or am I who someone else decides I am or am not? See this is all way too existential. What if I stop being funny, will that mean I am not adopted?

The Caucus

The county in which I live is divided into 28 districts by the democratic party. The districts were divided in to two groups, some to meet in one town, at the elementary school, and the others in the town I live near, at the high school. So off I went to the high school to participate in the great tradition know as the caucus. There were probably 150 people at the high school, and later the democrats reported that there was six times the normal turnout. Of those 150 people, my district had 5 people. The five of us gathered in our designated spot in a corner of a room. We opened our packet and began to read the rules. It was 2 couples and myself in the group. I will refer to them as Ranch man, ranch woman, Mormon man and Mormon woman. So, ranch woman begins the procedure of electing the 'chairman' and 'secretary', when Mormon man interrupts to tell us that he is a Mormon. (Am I suppose to care?) He goes on to explain that he's not voting for Clinton because women are too emotional and not suited to being in charge of things, and that he would prefer that our little group was not led by a woman. I was slack jawed. Ranch man kinda leaned back in his chair with a snicker as Ranch woman attacked by saying that she wasn't going to vote for Obama because you know all those black Muslim men just want to kill us. Managing to close my mouth and regain some composure I said, “oh my god I've time traveled to 1950!” They all stared at me. Ranch man then nominated Ranch woman for chairman, I seconded it and she was elected 3 to 2. That's when Mormon man said he would be secretary. Ranch woman said, 'ok, since no one else is volunteering you can be secretary.' (Uhh, was that a nomination and a vote?) At this point we are suppose to have a straw poll to see where everyone stand before we actually say for whom we will vote. It is already fairly clear with me being the swing vote for either side, as I am the only one who hasn't already said what I think. Of course Mormon man goes first. And I am left for last. I had been kicking the whole Clinton, Obama choice around in my head for weeks, and had decided on Obama. I say Obama and Ranch family glares. Now the next step is discussion to sway people before the actual vote. I say, “I can be swayed if you have information I haven't heard, especially about health care.” So, ranch woman starts telling me how Clinton will be tough on immigration. ....hmm, right cause that'll sway me... NOT! Then Moron man begins to reiterate how emotional women get and says something about how the stress almost made Hillary cry in a press interview. So I say, “yeah, so and when Bill was stressed he got a blow job, who cares?” Well apparently blow job is a bad word. The silence was palatable. Ranch man scowled and said, 'Watch your mouth..” So I quickly recover by saying, “let's just get this shit over with and vote.” “Watch Your MOUTH!”, says Ranch man again. Boy oh boy, I love democracy. We vote. Now I am gonna skip a whole part here about the math skills involved in figuring out how our 5 votes become 3 delegates. But I will say, I probably was a bit harsh to Mormon man the secretary who didn't know how to do math. I harangued him, using my powers for evil, until he snapped and said he had been special ed. in school and really didn't know how to do math. (where upon instead of being compassionate I was evil again) I said, “Well I am sure a woman can handle it.” and I took the paper out of his hands. I thought later about how I played the gender card in relation to his sexism, and realized I am going to need to get a lot smarter on standing up for women, especially when I don't look like one. I left the caucus wondering if the political process was a good thing or a bad thing, wondering if I cared, or if I should take it on. when I got home I told my roommates I didn't want to be a democrat anymore. Deb was kind and persuasive when she recommended rather than me stopping being a democrat, I convince the two of them to become democrats (currently they are independent and green party). Then all 3 of us can go to the next caucus and educate. Deep breath. Educate them. Educate them. It is becoming a mantra.

The Process

Yesterday I talked to a medical doctor about hormone replacement therapy for the first time. Big day. The doctor experience I liken to a road trip. I was packed, the car gassed up. I am ready for the open road. And instead, I hit bumper to bumper rush hour traffic going through the downtown of a large city. Yeah, SLOW. In my head I guess I was on, like step four, and the doctor was on step one. I mean, hey I have been thinking about this and dealing with this my whole life... guess other people don't know that and don't want me to rush. And I am thinking, "Rush? It took me YEARS to get here." So I am getting a referral to an endocrinologist and a therapist. It's all good, and probably smart to carefully step through every hoop between here and there, it's just sort of disappointing. I just want to be done already, not just starting. And therapy? Dang I want out of my head and in to my body. I have been in my head for years, I decided I wasn't crazy, or traumatized and now I have to let a stranger in to walk through my emotional landscape to smell the flowers and judge me . Judge me mentally ill. There's something to look forward to Gender Identity Disorder. Personally I think of it more as a birth defect. Ahh well. So begins the outward journey. Now I am off to the caucus.

Notes from the back room

Notes from the back room: Alright, I am going to get a bit philosophical this week so hold on to your brain cells! It is Love Your Library month and I want to tell you one of the reasons I believe libraries are one of the best things since sliced bread. People, yup, not books, but people (go figure!). Now when I say people, I mean people not just as individuals, but people as a group, a community. Like our town. I chat with folks at the bank, post office, stores, and the library. I try to engage with people and learn about their ideas and about how they see the future of our town, our state, our country and our world. It helps me gain perspectives on different things. Civic engagement has many dimensions. In a year of a presidential election, this is obvious. If you don't vote, then you are abdicating your decision to the people who do vote. One person, who speaks up and votes, gets more of a say in how the future unfolds than the person who stays home. But civic engagement means more than politics and voting. It means taking actions, together, that result in a community worth living in. Sure there may be arguments. We all see things differently, and sometimes we need to discuss our differences and compromise. Everybody has their own “best way” to get things done and not everybody who disagrees with you is a “#%$&* stupid idiot” (believe it or not). And, I know in my head anyway, there is a little voice telling me not to talk about politics, money or religion with people because it is rude or something. As long as the point isn’t to start a fight, then maybe it isn’t rude, but a necessity that creates a better community. Community is about cooperation, about a process of thinking things out and doing something about our problems. And, oddly enough, I think this is where libraries come in to it. Every community has issues, questions, projects and dreams. Libraries can serve as neutral ground for meetings and as public space available to any and all. Not to mention the library is staffed with good listeners and researchers to supply necessary facts for conversations. The library also tries to have a well-balanced collection. (No, that doesn’t mean I can balance it on my head.) A well-balanced collection of books is kind of like a well-balanced meal. Not just the stuff you want to eat, but the stuff, like Lima beans, that you may detest and is Aunt Mary’s favorite. Yup, you can look stuff up at the library. You can educate yourself on topics they didn’t teach you in fifth grade. Shoot, you can even sign up to talk to others about subjects near and dear to your heart. All you have to do is participate. The library is here for you.