Learning 2.0

Yeah so I went to a workshop for library stuff.... The presenter is someone who met me awhile back. Regardless of how I look now and what my name tag says she is 'she'-ing me. I didn't tell her any different..she couldn't know..not her fault by a long shot. But I watched a few of the other attendees look at me as the presenter said something about no men in the class. I guess this emphasizes the need for me to talk about being trans in front of people. Blagh. I just sort of freeze up. I keep thinking that if I look different people will just get it. This is proving untrue. I think for me this is less about learning podcasting, blogging and such and more about 2.0ing myself. I don't really know how to go about it I guess. "Hi I am trans. Pls refer to me as male." Yeah right. Gawd. How do I start?

Another day in library tech land...

History of my world, part 2.

Physical transformations (if ya don't wanna know, don't read it) This morning was the 7th shot....week 14. Two days after each shot I feel like something changes. I wake up and poof there is hair somewhere or or something like that. The first thing I noticed after my very first shot was clitoral grow. Sure as shit that thing grew! It was almost uncomfortable honestly. Definitely had me squirming. 12 weeks into this and my clit is about the same length as the tip of my thumb to the first knuckle, and about as wide as my thumb. I never measured it before testosterone, so I can't tell you how much it grew – and I don't think it is done growing. I have always been practically hairless. Light colored fine hair on my arms and legs. I never shaved my legs – it was never necessary and not something expected in my peer group. Now I have noticed the hair on my whole body is slightly different. It seems to be longer than it used to be. There also seems to be more of it growing in....probably noticeable only to myself. There is hair on my face, a lame little junior high mustache. After the third shot, my skin was suddenly greasy. I have very dry skin normally. Since then I have had a few zits, but not much. I have had more energy and I feel stronger – not that I could lift more necessarily but like I can carry Emma around longer before my arm is tired – lucky Emma! I also have noticed more definition on certain muscles – again probably noticeable only to me. As far as my voice goes, it was about 8 weeks into it when I kinda felt like my voice sounded rougher. As if I had been shouting at a concert all night or something, but not sore. It was also that week that one of the people I live with called me on the phone and didn't recognize my voice because it sounded deeper. Of course everyone in town just asked if I had bronchitis or a cold!

Interlude:

I am bleeding again. Menstruating. It is so wrong. It feels.....I am not sure how to describe. A friend asked me recently if I missed menstruating... I must admit to never even considering missing that. I guess some women enjoy it, or somehow gather a feeling of completeness with it or from it...I can't fathom it. What is going on in my head seems weird, even to me though. I mean, well I don't remember when I started menstruating, but it probably has been a good 26 years that I have been doing this on a monthly basis and now I am utterly freaking on it. I never liked bleeding, I never could even track the dang process – period amnesia I guess you could say. I knew it would happen time and time again, but I couldn't think about it, couldn't even count 28 days forward. Now it is utterly unacceptable. It is a mentally odd feeling to consider a process happening in my very body inappropriate, like a cancer or something. I know I have been a bit moody these last few days. I thought it was the testosterone, ironically it was probably the estrogen. Or maybe I was pissy because I was pissy - regardless of the hormonal world my body occupies. Work is a fucking mess! While I was at my doctors appointment and the assistant director (no director yet) was off the library was closed. No - closing the library without even talking to the assistant director just because the computers are down is not acceptable....but docking their pay is gonna start a war. Luckily I am learning to duck and not get involved. On a brighter side one of my co-workers asked me how to pronounce my new name, which is good because even though I have the new name tag, no one around here uses the new name and they always say 'she' and 'her'. I find it hard to correct people.. I don't know.. I keep feeling that if I was passing well enough or something they wouldn't get it wrong...but I think it is less about me and more of a habit. I guess I should mention it again.

History of the world, part one.

An old friend of mine came to visit last night. She's one of those people I just admire and love. We don't write or talk much, but when we see each other it is as if, on one level, not a single day has gone by ...it's just right there again. I really appreciate that. On another level, years have gone by and we have had life changes and experiences. As we spoke, summing up years with simple sentences, I realized her gift of clarity. I mean, I always knew she was a straight shooter so to speak, but she really nailed some stuff for me. I always have thought that without my dear and close friends helping guide me through my life I'd be working at a 10 minute oil change place and drinking to oblivion every night in front of a TV. I think without Jen I'd be there or dead. I admire her strength and her faith in my strength. So we were talking about the transgender stuff (ok – yet again I come out to an old friend and she says “well I am not surprised” - I think I really was the last to know!) and she keeps saying I hope you're writing about this, I hope you are documenting this. And sure I mumbled about my blog, but none of what we were talking about have I blogged. I don't know why, (that is a lie – I do know why). Yup, I am hesitant or embarrassed to talk about the intimate details of transitioning. While I am willing to discuss with friends how T made my clit grow or how my skin has changed I just kinda wasn't sure if I should put it on the blog. Which really makes no sense. So next blog, yes you guessed it 'History of the World, part two' will speak to the physicality of transitioning and some of my perspectives. But now I gotta get to work! We got a new director...she starts September. It will be nice to have a director here again.