Correspondence

Hey there M-, I am down in Santa Fe for a friend's 40th b-day. It is good to see folks. Two of my friends are breaking up. It is hard to watch. The whole group of friends loves them both. They love each other and I guess that is the hardest part. Anyway I guess I am also contemplative today. I was talking to a friend last night about how well my life is finally going (knock wood) and how much the break through of deciding to transition was a part of that. The previous bunch of decades I tried to get my life together but without dealing with the proverbial elephant in the room. I have always said the only thing I want to be when I grow up (or at least grow older) is a better person to myself, others and the world at large - and the only thing I want on my tombstone is gold stars for effort (like the kind they handed out in kindergarten). Becoming that better person has not been easy. This will sound kinda dumb-ass but I was thinking about the wedding (I proposed to Liz.) and all the traditions and rituals and what they mean and what is cultural dirty bath water so to speak and what I need for it to seem 'like a real wedding' or whatever. I was thinking about the whole getting walked down the aisle thing. I don't like the idea of dad passing girl to husband, but I do like the idea of family helping get you there - of course my dad would have no part of my wedding (him not approving of me and all) but I realized he wasn't who got me here - it was me, and it was my friends, who are like family. They helped me become a more decent person (some friends have helped me change my whole world.) So then I was thinking well if all my friends walked me down the aisle it would be a logistical nightmare. So, I decided to contemplate why my friends helped me and why I was able to work through shit even when it was hard and I realized it was the same core belief I have that makes me a political activist willing to walk across the country. I believe in change and that the future can be better. I realized I have to have Emma, my 3 1/2 yr old niece, walk me down the aisle because it is the future people and the future world that motivates me to be the best person I can. So, friend, if you made it through this missive just know there are good reasons to get through whatever you are getting through and there are folks who care about you and want the best for you and from you. It may be a fuck of a path but it is yours - so decorate it with the beauty that is you. - love to you - Kieran

Boxes

Last week was a week of boxes of the physical and ephemeral sort. I went to the last of three library conferences that I was presenting at – this one a lot closer to home. I saw a lot of friends, old and new. I really have met some good folks in my life, and in libraryland, and at conferences. I also saw a few folks that hadn't seen me since I started transitioning. Most of them were fine about it, some were not. One lady wouldn't talk to me even when I asked her a direct question. (kinda awkward.) The thing that got me was that I cared. (spent some time pondering that.) One fellow I had just met kept calling me 'she' even when all the other people around us kept saying 'he'. (do I look like a girl?) I was with so many good folk though it was easy enough to blow off the ones that couldn't deal. I switched boxes in their minds – girl box to boy box. I understand the effect on others, but to me it is like they finally get to see the box I have always been in - or the lack of box that I have for the whole gender thing. Right before I left for the conference, a patron, who had asked me a LOT of questions about transitioning last month, cornered me again with some real odd questions and statements. She told me I should accept the diversity of myself, of my own feelings and remain female. (??) I often feel in this process that I need to have to be some sort of educational tool for people. ('tool' is feeling like the keyword lately.) I mean it is a small town in a rural area – folks like me don't happen in an out sort of way around here much. And I am a librarian – a job in which information is given to folks to educate, enlighten and entertain. But really - I should accept the diversity of me?! Umm I do. (you're the one having the problem with it.) Then she asked me questions about my girlfriend and how she could possibly deal with this... umm because she loves me..umm... as me. (sometimes I just don't know where to start.) I gave her a book and spoke in general terms about the ideas of gender vs. sex vs. sexual orientation. (sometimes I feel like a freak show.) A few minutes later the lady from the knitter's group, that I told I was transgender last week, came to report to me that she had talked about it with several of the ladies from the knitting group and they have decided that they like me for who I am and that the reason the gossip network didn't spread the news for me in this instance was because it was the truth. (sometimes I wish I was a fly on the wall so I could hear these discussions about me that other people have ...Not!) The thing I try to keep in mind is the intent. Granted the road to hell is paved with good intention, but at least they are willing to discuss it with me. (unlike those who won't discuss it.) Discussion leads to educational moments. (fuck, I hope that is true.) The weekend found me with my girlfriend packing and carrying boxes of the physical sort. (much easier than ephemeral ones.) I am figuring out how to tell my story; I have to believe that by knowing my story people will find a place in themselves for people outside of boxes and boxes without labels.

Springtime

Bright golden yellow, lush green, dark cherry red - I awoke with these colors and warm trippy sort of happy feeling. I love Spring...and I have fallen in love (it is a good combination). I got up and went to the main house. Could have stayed in bed all day, snuggled in the blankets and dreaming... Apparently Emma was having the same sort of idea - the bed part. Being a Tuesday, and her being 3 yrs old, I was going to take her to playgroup. The absolute last thing she wanted to do was get out of her pj's... to the point of kicking and screaming. Meanwhile, there was a chill in the air so Deb threw some wood in the wood stove. Some sort of downdraft happened and the house filled with smoke at about the same time as Emma was being put in a timeout. So the time out was outdoors, when suddenly a bird flies down and hits the window. Dead bird, screaming child, wood smoke.. ahh spring. Emma stopped crying, all her focus going to the bird. The smoke cleared. Emma got dressed and in the car and for the next 20 minutes I learned her 3 year old's perspective on death and missing people and silence and what it means to live and love. I mostly listened. I am pretty sure she has it more together than I do - I learned a lot. I reminded her that I loved her and she said she 'already knew that'. I told her not to forget and she said she wouldn't because I remind her all the time. The whole thing made me wonder why either of us had gotten up. Why couldn't we have stayed in our pj's and in the bright color dream world? Instead, she is at playgroup and I am at work and tonight there will be a funeral to bury the dead bird... if the cat or dog doesn't get it first.

It is not a secret

Had a very interesting staff meeting the other day – right before I left for a library conference in Greeley. The interim director kinda got on a roll and told me I should choose a more common male name because Kieran was too close to my old name and not manly enough. It was confusing people she decided. The children's librarian agreed and they decided they would start calling me Kent. There had also been an issue with a patron who got a bit confused at the change from 'she' to 'he' in reference with me, and while the circ staff dealt with him he got rather loud and I guess in the interim director's mind this was somehow all my fault. She decided I should tell more patrons 'the truth' so the rest of the staff wouldn't have to. I left for the conference 20 minutes later. I didn't speak out at the staff meeting, deciding, rather, to think about what they said and see if I could figure what the real problem was. Thought about it a lot. It was nice to be at the conference where everyone uses my new name and says 'he' without much error. I decided that what was really going on was a combination of the interim director being uncomfortable a bit and not wanted to 'explain' to other folks and it being hard to remember my new name. All of which I understand. But renaming me – not ok! I also didn't feel real comfortable being told to tell people. I got a bit worked up about the whole thing honestly. But I went to a workshop on communication and I talked it out with my old (3 bosses ago) boss and felt better and prepared to speak with the staff. I did decide that the gossip in my small town was apparently not as wide spread as I had though. I obviously do need to sit down with more folks an explain the whole thing. The interim director wanted me to tell the knitter's group that meets in the library which I did try to picture in my head – like a group announcement “You are probably wondering why I have brought you all together today...”. Not my style! So I figured out one lady in the group (who has a big mouth and is very nice) and I will tell her. She hopefully can spread the word. It is like the ONE time I was hoping gossip would work in my favor, but no. I mean it isn't and can't be by the nature of it all be a secret and I do understand it is my responsibility to speak up.... it's just sort of awkward – especially at work – especially since the last three directors have told me NOT to tell the Board of Trustees. I think I am going to tell Nancy (the Board member everyone seems to kowtow to) I am pretty sure she has heard it through the grapevine and I think I need to tell her directly as a matter of respect. I think people get one of those “well until I hear it from him, it isn't true” sort of attitudes. In all my mental preparation for telling everyone, I realized I feel more comfortable saying “I was a 'girl' and now I am a 'boy'”, rather than 'woman' and 'man'. Perhaps it is something about the phrase 'I am a man'... (yet another thing for me to think about I guess) So when I got back from the conference I spoke with the interim director and it went well. She even said that she had felt like she had been bullying me. I also told the cover ladies. They were great. They said, “Well you aren't the first and you won't be the last.” I thought that was a good response. The knitter lady didn't come to the last knitter's group so I have another weeks reprieve. I think I will sit through the communications workshop again...maybe I will catch on. I think part of it has to do less with speaking up (which is generally not a problem in my world), but with doing so in a manner that lets the other person feel comfortable and not threatened. I am trying to be educational... may or may not be the right tactic.

Personal vs speaking up

There are a lot of volunteers at the library. Mostly they are older; mostly they don't stay more than a few months. There are exceptions. Two ladies - we call them the Cover Girls - faithfully come in once a week and cover all the books. They have been volunteering for two years. They started as a commitment for Lent. Yeah Lent. One is the mother, and the other her daughter. The mother is in her 70's, the daughter in her 50's. They refer to me as she, and I hadn't said anything. So yesterday when the new elderly couple wanted to volunteer and cover books came in to learn how from the Cover Girls - it felt like a train wreck. The elderly couple read me as male, the Cover Girls kept saying she and correcting them. The older man was visibly confused, I think he thought they were all referring to different people. The part I don't understand is how I did nothing. Seriously. I just sat there ignoring it all. My face felt flushed and I don't think I could have spoken. After they left, the staff and I were sort of joking about it. The assistant director said to me that I needed to deal with it. Buck up and just tell the Cover Girls. Then we joked about how it might give the mother a stroke or heart attack. Then we joked about how religious they are. I have never felt so much like a damn chicken shit. I have been thinking about it all night. I mean I am a fairly open person, I am fairly outgoing. I have no fucking idea why I find this so intensely personal. I mean, hell, I am blogging about it...on the world wide web for heaven sakes. I feel fine answering questions about my transition most of the time. It's the walking up to basic strangers and slight acquaintances and starting the conversation that just freaks my shit. Correcting peoples pronoun usage or saying something like, "um.. so yeah, I used to be female, but I am not any more." is all it would really take. Yet I find myself sitting there, choked up and beet red. I have never felt so lame in the personal accountability department. I thought at first it was fear of being fired or something, but I really don't think that would happen anymore. It's just fear. I find that unacceptable. So I guess I just gotta pony up. No one else will respect the pronouns if I can't. So next week I will possibly shock an old lady. I'll live...hope she does.

Pictures

Before After Somewhere in between.... Yeah, so the mustache is looking less 'junior high', but still I am a hairless sort of person, so it isn't really full. Speaking of hair...more and more of it grows in different places. The hair on my belly is now about as hairy as my legs used to be - and the legs are hairier. I don't think I look all that different... but I always just see me.

body chemistry

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I had a farm in Africa.... ok no. (but two good movie lines!) I used to be a vegetarian; am not any more. Haven't been for awhile. Don't normally eat a lot of meat....until lately. I swear if it wasn't a cow 20 minutes ago, I probably am not interested. I have never felt this sort of craving for beef. I figure I am needing protein. I know they (drs) warned me that I could gain weight on testosterone, but I don't think I have.... my fat did migrate around from my hips to my belly (weird) but I went down a pants size. I don't know. Funny thing is that I feel hungry more often and more vehemently, in that gnaw off your arm or feel week sort of way. I never used to eat breakfast (as long as I had coffee) now if I skip breakfast I am famished by 10 am. Of course this may or may not be related to the T. L & D have commented on how my face has changed. I have been taking a photo of my face every month. It is kinda interesting. Hmmm... I should blog those pics... ok I will....tomorrow...must eat lunch now.

Grilled

Yesterday was a conversation filled day. Lot of people stopped by to chat. Most wanting to have the conversation in which they tell me all about transgender people and expect me to lay my life down for examination and judgment. Mostly that's ok with me. I mean I get it. It is a different sort of thing, and outside of talk shows there isn't much of a possibility to hear/see someone like me in person. Human nature. Curiosity. I get it. And I also understand that the folks (patrons) who see me everyday at the library are wondering what is up, and they work up the courage to ask. Some ask my co-workers, some ask me. But I must admit it is challenging my fear level. Which was why, when I read my horoscope (which I generally don't do) I was busted up laughing. "You might feel as if you're getting hit with a double whammy today as your key planet Venus leads you into a very intense interaction with someone who makes you anxious. Facing your fears, though, can be a good way to grow beyond the acceptance of what feels safe. Remember, even if the going is tough now, the transformations ahead can bring you closer to your long-term goals. " So - there was a blog post a few months ago that I didn't post. It felt too.... too... I don't know. Well here it is and then I will follow up on it, and maybe that will make me feel better about it. "I have been really stressing this last week, (ok two and a half weeks). Truth is I have been afraid. Fear fucking SUCKS! But there it was, I was afraid. I know there are laws against being fired for being trans. I also know I wouldn't wanna work where they wished they could fire me, but couldn't because of some law. I know my coworkers are cool enough with it all (some of them even try using the new name and pronoun), but I know that some of the board are fairly religious and one of them is definitely homophobic... I was thinking I would write them a letter. I spent a few days writing, rewording and pretty much deciding in my mind that I would be fired....fired from the best job I have ever had. Hell I even got pretty dang fucked up one night and did the horrible depressed drunk routine on some good friends in Pueblo. I tried thinking up positive spins...I could go back to college and get that MLS! I was trying to play it cool but I was losing my shit honestly. Then I had a conversation with my old boss and friend and she reminded me that the new boss might have my back and that what I am doing is a really big thing and it is okay to ask for help, advise and assistance. Right...I hate when I forget that. I can easily fall in to the feeling that I have to do it all myself and that I am some sort of loser if I need help. So I spoke with the New Boss. She has got ideas, strategies even. I am still a bit worried..but not too bad. Of course part of it was work and part of it is the whole small rural town angle. Quite a few people have been making comments to me about my voice and lame little mustache. Not all of them have been friendly. I am catching strange looks. I also have that whole interior mind babble going on." Yeah - fear. So since then, I relaxed some. I haven't had much luck talking to the folks on the board, but we all agree I do my job well. The new boss and the old boss both advised me not to write a letter to the board. I still am not sure if that was good or bad, but it is ok. The library part of my life is ok... But there is one guy who comes in a lot. He has made it clear that he hates gay people, people of color, etc. I keep it professional. He and his friend have asked my co-workers if I am really a guy. He is the fellow I see in my head - when I am afraid - wielding a baseball bat. So when the ever so curious woman was asking me 957 questions and i was talking to her out front of the library and that guy and his friend showed up - well yeah I was afraid. I get two things in my head simultaneously - 1)It is in my head, not real & 2) Shit like what I fear does happen. I question myself... a lot.. what is watching my back and what is unreasonable fear. How do I know? I am not normally a scared person. Really had no trouble being a dyke around town. Why am I letting myself be afraid now? It is the interior mind babble. And I will get over it. Sometime stuff is just hard and scary. Today I go to lunch with a librarian friend from another library who is VERY VERY christian and tell her I am trans. Should be fun.

Walking

I was on two cross-country walks. One in 1990 & one in 1992. I get parts of them confused with each other sometimes. They were different. Organized differently, going different directions, different reasons, different (for the most part) people. Yet oddly similar. Sometimes they blend in my head. The first walk was the Global Walk for a Livable World. I was on the first phase – Los Angles to New York. The walk went around the world to Japan. The simple part to describe is the logistics. 150 people. 15-20 miles a day. 9 months. There was a kitchen trailer, a potty bus (150 people cannot shit in the woods, nor all use the toilet at a kwik mart), a gear bus (yes backpacks, tents and sleeping bags were carried for us), a small refrigerator truck, an office, water trailers... infrastructure. The harder part to describe is the effect it had... on me and others. I was young, full of myself, eager and righteously angry. I wanted to change the world. The world changed...few people noticed. My world at least. Change. When I think back on it, there are a few overall concepts that stand out for me. Physicality is a large one. There was no chair to sit in, no couch or recliner, no table, no TV, no night stand, no bed. A tent, a sleeping bag, the entertainment of your fellow travelers and a lot of outdoors. I was so in touch with the weather and the moon and the climate and seasons - without even thinking about it. Just living so... outdoors. Strange as it may sound, there seemed more hours in the day. Enough to do your job (walk), eat and take care of chores, have some alone time, some hang out time, and still there was evening entertainment and a good nights sleep. I miss the time to just BE now a days, like there is always more to do and less time to get it done. People, and interacting with them, were a large part of the walk. Singing with people is one of my fondest memories of the walk. 15-20 people singing together, a five part harmony in a bathroom in a town I don't remember the name of (or was that the second walk), two women singing a song without words, a flute, guitars and heartfelt lyrics, a bar and a band and a reason not to die. I think I realized the beauty of music and that it was open to all who dare try it on that walk. Wanting that feeling back is why I started to play guitar years later. Intensity. All the time you didn't spend watching tv or whatever, was spent with people which, well, its like time dilated. Intensified. A day 'walk time' was like a week in the real world. I learned to be brave on that walk. In the sense that I learned to try things I had never done before without hesitation. I remember getting in to drive the refrigerator truck for the first time. Reading the faded sticker on the back of the visor on how to double clutch when using the split shift rear axle button and just doing it.... maybe I didn't learn to be brave I learned to be brash. I learned to assume I could do and succeed rather than to assume I was a fuck up.

Thought it all through

I went to a convention last week (ALA Midwinter - for you library types). I realized as we drove up, that this was the first extended excursion I have taken without bringing 'Emergency supplies'. Emergency supplies being the stuff I could use to live on the side of the road if the car broke down. Literally. Before in my world, if ones vehicle broke down, it was quite possible that the closest podunk of a town was now home, and finding work to afford a part or mechanic was next on the list of things to do. While I have known that time in my life is gone, I still had that fear. A kinda of, "Well, you never really know" feeling has lurked in my head. But I think I am done with it. I think, on some primal level, I know I am ok. It has been a while. Similarly, related to my transition, I feel a wholeness that I don't think I ever had before. As far as physical changes go, I haven't noticed anything drastic in awhile. I think there are subtle things afoot, but nothing I can point to or measure. I am becoming more relaxed with how I look and how I am perceived. A young friend of mine pulled me aside recently to tell me I looked like a normal professional fellow. (I was wearing a tie) 'Yeah, I do', I thought, 'just a normal dude in a tie'. I feel less connected with drama - not plays, but stuff like inter-office dynamics. Oddly enough, for the first time in longer than I care think about I feel as though I could be in a relationship with someone. And I mean more than just an 'I am horny' sort of way. Heh - by changing so much about what I am I am finding who I am... kind of ironic. On the professional side of my life things are good. The board member who thinks trans folk are icky has been working with me on stuff without too many prickles. I think my wild library skills have been paying off, and that is outweighing the whole fear of trans folk thing. No job pressure there ;) But seriously I have been kicking some butt in my work world. Things are looking up.